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changing

Hi :)

I'm gonna give this another try.

Changing your life is hard. Sometimes you do it because you want to and sometimes you do it even though you don't want to, and either way it's difficult.
I've been doing a fair amount of both lately.

It's also difficult when you don't know what direction you're going, or even where exactly you're starting from.

It makes me smile to think about how before I wanted nothing more than to travel the world. I thought that that was the ultimate thing I wanted out of life: adventure. Kayaking, climbing, biking and hiking sounded like a good way to spend my life. 
Hey, I won't pretend there isn't part of me that's all over that, because I'd be lying. I'd still love to travel the world. I still want to adventure all the time. I am already dying for it to be springtime--and it's only November.
But now there's a new part of me. I want to work. I want to get settled, live somewhere where I'm going to stay, start making friends I know I can have for a while, even start to date. Have enough money to take my friends out to lunch on their birthdays or if they're having a hard day. Start being an adult for real. And that's what I want to do now. When did that begin?
I want to change, but I want to change so I'm more responsible, caring and selfless. 
I also want to change it so that I'm moving more purposefully towards what I want to actually do with myself long-term. 

There's so much I want for my life.
I guess, little by little, I need to reinvent myself. 
Obviously I still have my entire life behind me, and my friends from before, and my past self as a frame of reference; but if I ever expect to make anything out of my "new self", and the time that's ahead of me, I've got to change some things. It's not like I can go on expecting everything to change if I'm going to do everything exactly the same... I think that would define me as insane. ;)



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