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12 weeks

hey! I'm writing you a post again. 

I've been back for a little over 12 weeks, which is like... Almost 3 months. Could that be true?

I turned 21 the other day and approaching 3 months home is awesome. Because even though it's very bittersweet, here they'll make fun of you gently if you're too recent off mission. I know I'm going to get similar treatment for another three months or so, and it isn't terrible, I just like being seen as a person rather than a "super fresh off the plane RM." I mean, it's not a huge deal, just who likes getting comments like "WOAH, you're FRESH!....and you're at a dance?!" Haha Thanksssss....... But whatever. 

Last night I was reading something somewhat nostalgic and thinking about how I'm not who I was. I think one of the things that continues to be hard for me is being caught between this idea of who I was before, who I am now, who I want to be, and who I am expected to be by different parties. It's hard because the expectations are all based on different things and have grown to be very, very different. For the first time, the phrase "you can't please everyone" is gaining significance for me. Guys, I got over the uncomfortableness of hugs and dancing and wearing pants and listening to music and being alone, and even over a little of the awkwardness of socializing and of wasting time, and I can stay up late now and everything, and even though I'm still terribly awkward about some things (movies, shirtless guys, the internet, Gospel discussions, etc...) this is by far the hardest part. 
Why? Because it means letting go of some things. And it means being let go of, and I'm not sure which is harder. It means sometimes you feel lost between all of these different versions of yourself because now there's literally nobody who has been everywhere you've been. Maybe you had people who were updated on your whole life before, but you left them behind for your mission. (Plus you may or may not be sure that the person you were before is real. You don't remember her very well.) Maybe you had people who knew your whole mission, but this is real life now, and they don't know the "regular" version of you. (Plus you may or may not be sure if your mission was real in the first place, or if it was just a dream too.) (Is everything just a dream? Maybe so.)
Besides all that, everyone else is different too. And you feel like everything is different. It's kinda disorienting when you stop to think about it (not a recommended course of action). You eventually start to wonder when, if ever, life is going to be normal again, but you also wonder if that's even what you want in the first place. You wish you could change the world instead of changing yourself. And then you get back to where you started, stuck between who you were, who you are, who you want to be, and what others are expecting from you, and then you just feel weird and realize that's been a permanent condition for a while, and probably will continue to be so.

As disorienting as it is, coming home has been a spiritual experience for me. Well, it still is. Because I'm still arriving, in a way. Everything is still putting itself back together. It's weird. But it's ok. I don't know what things are supposed to look like or a whole lot about what I'm supposed to do with my life, but I know I'm in the right place. And that's enough for me to go on for now. 

Catherine.

Comments

  1. Wellesley KopsaNovember 6, 2016 at 10:42 AM

    Wow. It is very weird to be struck between versions of yourself. It's weird how we were basically the same person when we lived together and now we're so different and do not relate on a lot of things. I think, like President Uchtdorf said, change is weird because we're eternal beings. Anyway, I love you always <3 be yourself, care the most about what God thinks. I do not know if any of this was the right thing to say or if it even applies.
    I love you.

    ReplyDelete

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