[snapshots]

This isn't completely sorted out in my mind yet, so have fun swimming through an ocean of Catherine's thoughts. :P

All my life, I've heard people talk about the difficulties of being true to one's self in a world where everything is trying to make you something else. They call it the greatest achievement. And I guess they're right. I never really had a problem with it before: if you stick out like a sore thumb as it is (which is the story of my entire life), it's easy to be completely yourself. Growing up, for the last 18 years of my life, I've felt only a little of that pressure, so I thought, "I've got this. I totally don't have a problem."
But now I live in Idaho. Yeah, I'm at college. (How did this happen?! Good question.) Now look here, I'm an LDS, white, skinny blonde girl. And when people look at me... that's all they see. They see the jeans tucked into the tall, fuzzy boots and the long coat with a fur hood and the camel-colored cross-body bag. I'm just a girl to them. Just some random girl...

I got a letter from a dear friend of mine on New Years' Day, the day before I left. It caused the closest thing to an anxiety breakdown I've had in quite some time (maybe ever). Allow me to quote a little from it.

"Tomorrow is a new beginning for you. Starting tomorrow you will be in a new place. The people you are about to meet don't know your past, they have no preconceived notions of you or who you are. Now is the time to reinvent yourself if you choose to do so. You are now post-York-experiences Catherine, and these people will not know you as anything less than you currently are."

She had the best of intentions. To be honest, the bulk of her letter has really, really helped me these past couple weeks, and I'm sure this will end up helping me, too. But for now... it's just freaking me out.

Why did this scare me so bad? This is a good question. It sounds empowering, doesn't it? In a way, it is empowering. But in another way, it's cripplingly frightening. 

I spent the last 6 years of my life creating myself. It has been such a process. I spent the last 6 years building for myself a story to support me. When people in York looked at me, they saw that story. They saw a piece of my life. These people, though... they see a skinny blonde Mormon girl with fuzzy boots, a coat, and a bag. 

I don't know if you're familiar with dimensions at all... I mean, unless I'm missing something important, you are familiar with the third dimension, but I don't know if you're familiar with all the rest. Anyway... the 4th dimension is something scientists like to theorize about. Basically, they see the fourth dimension as being time. If we could see the fourth dimension, we would see these long worm-like things instead of people. The worm-like things would start when we were born, and they would be our size. Basically, it would be a visual representation of every moment we've lived since we were born, stitched together like a panorama picture. (If what I'm saying isn't making sense... I'm sorry. Roll with it. :P Or else go look up a video about the 4th dimension.)

Back in York, it was as though the people saw a 5 1/2 year chunk of my 4th-dimension self: they didn't only see me as I am, they saw me as a ...triumph, I guess. A process. A story.

And now I've lost my story. Nobody sees that anymore. All they see is a snapshot of my 4th dimension self, trapped in this moment. I'm cut off from my story, and that's one of the most terrifying things I've ever undergone. 

So they see a snapshot. That snapshot is a lot like other people's snapshots that wander around campus. But it's just different enough that there is pressure on me now, to be like other people. To stop making people uncomfortable. So many things I do are things that I never really felt pressure to change before, but now I do.

I'm a girl and I'm an introvert. Girls being introverted isn't socially acceptable. 

I'm an outgoing introvert. Also extremely not socially acceptable.

Within reason, I don't believe in conforming to social norms just because it makes other people feel more comfortable. For example, I'm not going to stop singing and dancing in public just because people look at me with that "..." face on. And I never really thought about that before now--I felt pressure to stop, but it rolled off me. Now it doesn't do that so much anymore.

I hate trying to convince people that I'm a worthwhile person by putting tons of effort into my presentation. Anyone can dress well, act charming and be polite (well... lots of people, haha). That's not what makes me special. That's not what makes me me. In fact, the things that make me different are the things that make me me: my quirks and imperfections and inconsistencies and such. I don't want to feel like I have to hide those or apologize for them, and before now, I never really have...

No, I don't know what I'm going to do about it. I mean, I intend to keep being myself, it's just... really hard now. It's different. It's a challenge and an adventure, but it's one of those challenging adventures I didn't exactly anticipate or desire (that's how the best adventures are). 

I guess we'll... see what happens.

'Til next time. (: 

Oh look, a "snapshot" of me... haha xD